Why Does He Act Interested, but Then Disappears, Ignores You, or Breaks Up?

I recently received an email from Cindy who said I could share her story with you.

She received a “cryptic” text from her boyfriend that said he’d been doing some soul searching. When she asked if his searching was about her, he wouldn’t respond. Then, he didn’t text for almost a week.

Naturally, she was hurt. My heart went out to her. 

She told me she hoped he wasn’t like her last boyfriend who disappeared without an explanation.

“How long have you been seeing him?” I asked.

“About 4 months” she said.

“How long did you know him before you started exclusively dating?” I asked.

“About two weeks,” she said.

She told me she really liked him and that there wasn’t anyone else she wanted to date.

ARE YOU COMMITTING TOO QUICKLY? GET MY FREE DOWNLOAD TO FIND OUT.

It’s makes sense a woman would want to become exclusive with a man especially if he gives her all the signs that he’s very interested--and she is highly interested in him, too.

But committing quickly to exclusivity can cause you to sabotage your love life.

In fact, it can be one of the reasons a man pulls away, goes silent, or breaks up after he acted so excited about a relationship with you in the beginning.

Here’s why.

When you meet a man, he may be instantly taken by your sense of humor, beauty, or other attractive qualities. He may come on strong and quickly press for commitment.

When this happens, there is something happening that neither of you are aware of:  he is imagining that you are his perfect match.

But there’s a problem: he doesn’t really know you. So, he has no idea if would be good together or not. 

He is filling in the gaps of what he doesn’t know about you with what he wants you to be. (Men and women both do this unconsciously, by the way.)

If you commit too quickly, you could be setting yourself up for heartbreak.

I’ve been there. I get it.

It feels good when a man is interested in you. It feels good to be desired and wanted and pursued.

It’s a relief to finally have a man in your life who seems to like you for you.  

It’s exhilarating to think about a future with a wonderful guy.

But it’s wise to remember that in the early stages of a relationship that a man doesn’t truly know you because he hasn’t had enough time to get to know you over time through experience.  

You may not be who he imagines you to be.

(Have you ever dated any men who turned out to be different than what you thought?)

Then, after you’ve committed to exclusive dating, after he gets to know the real you, he may feel that you aren’t a good match after all. (Even though you are a wonderful match for some men, some men just won’t be a good fit.)

So, he “backs up the relationship truck” and pulls away, disappears, or breaks up.

Oh man! That hurts!  

It hurts when you feel lured in, that a man got you to open your heart, and then walks away.

It hurts when you finally felt that it could be the real thing.

It hurts so much that you spend weeks, or months, or years recovering from a broken heart.

You may feel betrayed and lied to.

How could he tell you so many wonderful things, then leave you, ignore you, or break up with you?

He may have allowed his emotions--and his imagination--to drive him to commit too soon when he should have taken his time.

But because you are a wise woman, you can date differently. You can be in control of your dating choices to avoid heartbreak caused by moving too fast.

At the beginning of a relationship, don’t rush.

Granted, it might be a temptation to go fast, especially if he is coming on strong and telling you how awesome he thinks you are.

Remember, he doesn’t know the real you yet.

If he is genuinely interested in you, he will wait while you both determine how you feel about one another and get to know each other as friends.

That way, even though you can’t totally prevent the possibility of heartbreak, you can reduce the possibility of it.

Give him a chance to get to know the awesome, real you. This means that it’s generally wise to remain friends for quite some time (I recommend 6 months) before dating exclusively. (If you just met one another.)

Then, if you do move into a committed dating relationship, you’ll know that he is dating you for you—and not for someone he imagines you to be.

I hope this has been helpful. Remember, you’re worth truly knowing and worth waiting for.

And also remember. . .

The dream you have to love and be loved is possible.

P.S. If he quickly presses for an exclusive commitment, you can say no but reassure him. Tell him that you really like him and want to get to know him better. Let him know that you don’t want to “mess it up” by going too fast.

Saying no is a way to care for both of you. 

If he’s truly interested in you, and he is marriage-minded, he’ll wait until you’re ready to move from friendship to the next stage of exclusive dating.