Why Do Women Fall for the Wrong Guys?

Single women often tell me they’re frustrated and ask, “Why do I keep attracting the same type of guy?” or "Why do I keep falling in love with the wrong kind of men?"

There can be many answers to this question, but one answer is . . .

Love Scripts.

Every woman has multiple Love Scripts that are like silent directors behind the scenes in her love life. They control how she relates to men—and she doesn’t even know it.

Here’s an example from a recent coaching call I had with Tabitha.

While I spoke with her, she said she always attracts men who need something from her. “They’re always in a bad way,” she said. “They’re in financial messes, unemployed, or they’re in some other kind of trouble.”

She said she wants to be in a relationship with a man who shares her faith and values, is responsible, and will care for her. She wants to date a man who is trustworthy and marriage minded.

She wants to commit to a man; she doesn’t want to date guys who haven’t grown up—but that is what she keeps getting.

Why?

As we talked, I listened for keys that may tell me why she keeps attracting men who aren’t good for her.

She said something interesting: “I really like helping. It makes me feel good. I like to be needed.”

“That’s it,” I thought. “That’s one of her Love Scripts.” 

Tabitha keeps getting involved with men who need help because she likes to help and she likes to be needed.

Now, there is nothing wrong with wanting to help others, and giving to one another is part of the reciprocity of a healthy relationship. 

But if the desire to be needed is so strong that it causes us to say yes when we should say no, that’s no good for love.

Tabitha’s Love Script, I like helping. It makes me feel good and I like to be needed—has been affecting her relationships without even realizing it. 

In fact, that’s how it is with the majority of the women I coach. They are unknowingly operating from unhelpful Love Scripts that are sabotaging their love lives.

(This was my experience before I married for the first time at 46. I am living proof that bad Love Scripts can be changed and that you can have a great relationship.)

Here’s truth:

All relationships happen inside-out. Meaning, what happens inside us happens outside us. We all live from Love Scripts without realizing it. Some of these Scripts are helpful and some of them are very unhelpful or can be downright damaging.

Because Tabitha’s Love Script says, “It feels good to be needed” then she will naturally allow men into her life who are operating from an opposite Love Script such as: “I need help” or “I am incompetent and need someone to care for me.”

She will automatically keep attracting men who are, as she says, “in a bad way.”

So, what should she do? How does she change her Love Script?

Acknowledging it is a good place to start.

From there, challenging its validity and if it deserves to be a part of her life is crucial.

To do this, she needs to walk the “Why Path.”

Here’s what I mean.

She needs to begin with her Love Script.

Then, ask “Why?” “Why do I believe that?” “Why do I feel this way?” or any other relevant “Why?” question until she discovers if it’s based on truth or a lie--and if it's helping her reach her relational goals. 

For example:

It feels good to be needed.

Why?

Because it makes me feel good about myself.

Why?

Because it gives me value.

Why?

Because that’s what I learned growing up.

Why?

Because that’s what my parents taught me. Helping makes someone important.

Why does it make someone important?

Because not helping means someone is unimportant.

Really? Is that the truth?

You can keep asking “Why?” until you run into a dead end or figure out the motivation behind your Love Script.

If Tabitha believes that being needed gives her value, she will keep attracting the kind of men who aren’t the kind of men she wants to marry.

So, what are your Love Scripts? 

I’ve made a list of a few Love Scripts below. (There are many more and are unique to each woman.) 

Choose one you identify with, or think of your own, then follow the “Why Path.”

Examples of Love Scripts

• What are the characteristics I believe I must have in a man to be happy? 
• I am not worthy of love. 
• I'll never be able to marry a good man.
• Because I messed up my past, I don’t deserve to be loved. 
• I can’t choose well. My picker is broken. 
• I am not interesting enough for a man to notice me.
• I am too shy for a man to pay attention to me. 
• I can’t talk to a man. It’s too scary. 
• It’s not right for a woman to talk to a man first. It’s chasing. 
• I believe I am unlovable. 
• If I don’t immediately have a strong spark with a man, it’s not worth pursuing. 
• I have to marry my soulmate to be happy.
• I am afraid of being abandoned. 
• All men are __________________.
• I’m not attractive enough to be loved. 
• It’s too late for me to have a relationship.
• Marrying someone with kids will make me miserable. 
• If I marry someone who has already been married, I won’t be fully loved. 
• I am a burden to others. 
• I’m not going to date long-distance.

How is your Love Script affecting your love life?

Is it causing you to attract the same kind of man over and over again?

Or is it negatively affecting your relationships in some other way?

I hope this has been helpful.

Remember, the dream you have to love and be loved is possible.

P.S. If you'd like to learn how you can get a free, 30-minute coaching call with me and find out if a personalized, one-on-one coaching program is right for you, just click here. I look forward to talking with you soon!