The Smart Woman's Guide to Ghosting - Part 2

The Smart Woman’s Guide to Ghosting – Part 1, I shared about how to embrace some important mindset shifts that can help you overcome the painful emotions that can result from getting ghosted, particularly while online dating. 

Getting your mindset right about ghosting is very important because it can help so you don’t beat yourself up, or make promises to yourself to never date again or get online again. It can also help so you don’t shut your heart down or believe you are undesirable. So, if you haven’t checked out Part 1 of this series, I invite you to do so. 

Okay, so let’s get started with 10 reasons men ghost women.

1) The trouble of emotional discomfort

The first—and #1—reason men ghost women is because they are avoiding the emotional discomfort of saying no or telling a woman they aren’t interested. A man may not want to hurt a woman's feelings and he may believe that he is protecting her by not having the “I’m not interested” conversation, so he ghosts her instead.

In reality, he is wrestling with his own feelings. He doesn’t want to feel like the bad guy or face the conflict that can come with telling a woman he isn’t into her. 

When I was young, I struggled with confrontation. I didn’t want to tell a man I wasn’t interested. It made me feel afraid. I thought I was being nice by not telling a guy no, but I wasn’t being nice because it’s not nice to be dishonest. And, when we avoid telling the truth, we’re being dishonest. 

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2) Distracted and busy

The second reason a man may ghost a woman is because he got distracted and busy. This can happen in all of our lives. When unfortunate circumstances or busyness occupy us, we can lose perspective and focus.

Once while online dating I experienced an unexpected job loss and which resulted in an unexpected move. Both of these things turned my life upside-down for a while. 

At the time, I had been talking to a few guys back and forth through messaging on an online site. When these things happened, I may not have fallen off the face of the earth, but I definitely fell off online dating for a period of time. As I look back, this was inconsiderate of me.

This is one of the challenges when we are online texting or messaging with potential dates. It’s easy not to see them as real people since they are on the other side of a screen. And, as a result, not give them the same consideration as someone we have met in person. 

Distractions and busyness can make it difficult to online date because online dating can take a lot of focus and commitment. 

3) Interested in someone else 

A third reason a man may ghost a woman is because someone else caught his attention.

Typical online behavior at the beginning when all you're doing is messaging or texting is that you're communicating with multiple people—and the men you are communicating with are probably communicating with other women too.

Some women believe this is unfair for a man to communicate with other women. 

However, you want to remember about stages of relationship (which I often talk about.) These stages are Acquaintance, Friendship, Exclusive Dating, and Marriae.

When you are initially talking with or messaging a man, he is just an acquaintance to you. That means you want your behavior to be acquaintance stage behavior--and acquaintance behavior does not go along with exclusive dating stage behavior.

To deal with ghosting with more confidence, remember where you are in the relationship stages.

If you’re in the early stages of the acquaintance stage and a man finds someone else he is interested in pursuing, he may feel awkward explaining this to you given your level of closeness. So, instead of communicating with you, he may ghost you. He may even feel that no explanation is needed since you are just online acquaintances. 

When I was in my thirties, I was online dating and there was a guy who caught my eye. We messaged back and forth just a little and then one day when I reached out to him, he told me that he was going to get off the site because he found a woman he thought was “the one.” I appreciated his candor and honesty. 

Unfortunately, just because of the way online dating sites ae built do not encourage honest and open communication. Instead, they encourage ghosting. 

4) He got off the site 

Online dating can be difficult emotionally. Maybe the guy you are communicating with online suddenly disappears and you don’t know why. It could be that he wakes up one morning and he is tired of online dating. Maybe he says, “I can’t take one more minute of this. I’m done. No more online dating for me.” 

This can happen to a lot of people, both men and women. One woman in one of my coaching groups said, “I just can’t do it anymore.” She was overwhelmed by communicating with men and she was overwhelmed with all of the messages in her in-box. So she said, “I’m done” and none of the men she was communicating with heard from her again. 

5) Not ready for a relationship

Sometimes a man (or even a woman) may think they are ready for a relationship and ready to date again after a breakup, but when faced with the reality of the possibility of an actual relationship, they realize they aren’t ready.

Maybe a man you are communicating with is on the rebound from a relationship, or maybe he even decided that he wanted to get back together with his old girlfriend. 

It's good to remember that only 60 % of online users are looking for a committed relationship. Not everyone has the same relationship intentions. This can be another reason ghosting happens. 

6) Scammers and married men 

Studies from Pew Research show that 1 in 10 profiles is from a scammer. This kind of guy has zero intention of ever having a relationship.

If a woman is talking to a scammer, and he realizes that she isn’t going to be a good target for his dishonesty, he may ghost her. In this case, this is a bullet dodged and a blessing. 

Then there can be married men online or guys who have girlfriends. These guys also have no interest in pursuing a real relationship. They may just be online to chat with women. They’re lonely. Then, all of a sudden, their alternate, online life collides with their real life so they move off line. 

7) Not a priority

Some online users are nervous about dating; they’ve got trepidation about dating, or they aren’t serious about it. All of these things can lead to not prioritizing dating because they may not be sure they want a relationship. When someone isn't serious about dating, it can lead to ghosting. 

I was coaching a woman who was very interested in finding a committed relationship. I’m grateful she met a man online she very excited about and it looks like they will be getting engaged this year.

Prior to meeting this great guy, she was video chatting with another man who just wasn’t moving the ball “down the dating field.” He didn’t have a plan to meet her. He was probably thinking he wanted a relationship, but he never made dating a priority. Some people just aren't serious about meeting someone special for this reason or that reason, and it has nothing to do with you. 

8) He can’t see it working out. 

Perhaps you had some dates with a man or you video chatting or messaged him for a while and then he realized that you just weren’t a good fit. But instead of coming back to you and telling you how he feels, because he wants to avoid the awkwardness of an uncomfortable conversation, he doesn’t reach out to you. He ghosts you instead

9) A lot of time has passed 

If a man was talking with you and then--for whatever reason--he stopped communicating with you, maybe he was interested in another woman, maybe he got distracted and busy, maybe he decided that he need a break from online dating, he may feel awkward about reaching back out to you. He may fear that he will have to explain what happened and that could be difficult. So, instead of taking the risk to communicate with you again, he just ghosts you. 

10) Part of his attachment style

There are many other reasons ghosting can happen in addition to those I’ve listed above, but one last reason is because of a man’s attachment style.

Attachment styles have to do with how we bond with others and are often learned in childhood. They can also be formed through other experiences with other important people in our lives.

When someone has an avoidant attachment style, they're often uncomfortable with expressing their feelings. They might be uncomfortable with physical touch and they may do things to sabotage relationships.

Therefore, when they start talking to a woman or going out, they may seem interested. But when things start to get serious, or even look promising, their attachment style fears kick in and they may sabotage the relationship by doing any number of things, including ghosting a woman.

They may not even realize this is what they are doing, but in order to call their fears, they pull away.

I hope you have been encouraged today and reminded that ghosting is not all about you.

Be encouraged! Even if there was some sort of misunderstanding that took place that makes you wonder if you said or did something that caused a man to ghost you, I encourage you to remember that we are all responsible for our own level of communication. You can’t make a man ghost you.

And, I hope you have been encouraged to be intentional and purposeful about your communication with men online. Remember that the men you are  communicating with on the other side of your screen have real feelings. They can be as sensitive as women and take things just as personally. Be kind online and be kind and honest in your communication.

If you'd like to work with me one-on-one, reach out to me by visiting shanaschuttecoaching.com.