[Free Download Included] Should You Initiate and Give Him Your Number?

Should you give a guy your phone number and invite him to call you? That’s the topic for today.

My husband, Clark, is joining me today to answer this question. 

 {Shana} Okay, Clark, so this week we want to answer the question, “Should a woman give a man her phone number without him asking for it?” I just received this question again this week.

The real sentiment behind this inquiry is: Will I be pursuing a guy if I give him my number?

This can be a confusing topic, because dating has changed so much since we were in high school when a guy would ask for a young woman's phone number and even come and pick her up for a date.

Many conservative women—and women with Christian values--don’t want to pursue a man. They want to be pursued. They want to know that a guy is truly interested in them. They don’t want to chase.

But what we are going to learn today is that pursuing and inviting are two different things.

To answer this question about giving a man your number, I'd like to share a story about my friend, Maxine.

My friend, Max, was in her early sixties when we went to Whole Foods for lunch. We had a nice chat on the porch, then stood to go inside the store. On the way, we noticed a man sitting nearby reading a book that had been authored by a friend of mine.

I mentioned to the man that my friend wrote the book and that it was a really good read and that I hoped he was enjoying it. He said he was and shared a few things he had been learning.

Once Max and I slipped inside the store, she said, “Hey, Shana. Go get a date for me with that guy on the porch.” Without a beat, I said, “Okay!”—and off I went.

I approached Mr. “I’m reading my book” and asked, “Do you have a girlfriend?”

His eyes widened. (My guess is that I was 20 years his junior.) “I’m not asking for me,” I responded. “I’m asking for my friend, Max. She was just with me.”

“Oh,” he said. “I just got out of a relationship and I’m not ready to date.”

“Okay,” I responded. And, off I went, back into the store to report to Max.

“Sorry, no luck” I said. “He said he just got out of a relationship.”

“Alright,” she said matter of fact. “Go back out there and give him your business card. Then tell him that if he changes his mind to give you a call.”

I went back out to the porch and strode toward him with confidence. He looked terrified. I put my business card down on this table. “If you change your mind,” I said. “Give me a call. My friend, Max, is an awesome lady.”

A week or so passed and my cell phone buzzed.

He said, “Hey, this is Kelly. I’m the guy you met in Whole Foods with your friend, Maxine." 

Of course I remembered him. I told him all about my friend and how awesome she was and I immediately recognized that they had a whole lot in common. I gave him Max’s number, and to make a long story short, about 18 months later, they happily married.

Okay, so here’s the question, Clark. . .

GET MY FREEBIE: 8 WAYS TO INVITE A MAN TO PURSUE YOU (WITHOUT CHASING HIM)

Was Maxine pursuing Kelly by giving him her phone number?

{Clark} No, she was just inviting him to pursue her. She was just opening the door, and extending the invitation.

If she had given him her phone number and then asked for his and then was calling, and calling, that would be pursuing.

The thing women have to understand about men is that at their core, we are--most us us--really insecure, and really afraid of failing. So, it's really helpful at times for a woman to say something. 

What would have happened if she wouldn't have used you to help her? He would have never known that she was interested, or that she even existed. 

If a woman says something, then, the ball is in his court to pursue. Then, if he doesn't respond, she should drop it.

Women deserve to be pursued and they should be pursued, but that doesn't mean a woman can't make the first move. 

 {Shana}: There is a difference between pursuing and inviting and this is something that women have gotten confused. (I got it confused!) Women have been told they shouldn’t pursue a man—and I believe this is true.

To get a quality, marriage-minded man who you know is interested in you, you have to give him room to pursue you.

But in the early, first stage of a relationship, a woman can invite a man to pursue her.

{Clark}: Right, but if he doesn't respond, she should let it go. 

{Shana}: Because, that would be chasing if she continues to follow up, right? 

{Clark} Right. 

I always say that it’s like tennis. A woman can hit the dating tennis ball over the net and invite a man to pursue her. 

She gives him a chance to pursue her by hitting the "dating ball" back. If he doesn't,  she shouldn't run to his side of the dating court if he hasn’t responded and restate her initial invitation.

She shouldn't ask him why he hasn’t called. That would be pursuing and that's his job, and that’s not what a woman wants. She wants to know that she is desired and worthy of being pursued, and a man wants a woman to respond to his pursuit.

Okay, so Clark, what would you say are a couple ways a woman can invite a man to pursue her?

{Clark}: As you said, it could be as simple as giving him her phone number. Sometimes it's just giving off the appearance that you're open. If you don't talk to a guy, he's going to think you don't like him. If you act uninterested and you're really shy, he's going to assume that you're not interested, not that you're shy. A woman might even go so far as to say, "I'd like to grab coffee with you sometime." But don't set the date. Just leave it open and let him come to you to set up a time. 

{Shana}: Another idea. . . she can slip him her card or a piece of paper and say with a smile, “If you call me, I might just say yes.” 

{Shana}: I hope this has been helpful! 

If you’d like to learn more ways you can invite a man to pursue you, check out my freebie, 8 Ways to Invite a Man to Pursue You (without chasing him.)  In this freebie, I give scenarios to help you identify if you are pursuing (chasing) a man or inviting him to pursuing you. 

Tomorrow, September 12, 2019, I’ll be doing a Facebook Live on the Single Over 30 public Fan page, https://www.facebook.com/SingleOver30 where I’ll talk more about why it’s important to know if you’re pursuing or inviting--especially in the initial stages of getting to know a man.