Should She Be Friends with a Man Who’s Taken?

Miss S., one of the women from the Single Over 30 Community asked,

If you had a crush on someone that you couldn’t have, (whether they didn’t share your romantic feelings, if they were currently seeing someone else or the timing/distance just wasn’t right) how do you push past those emotions?

Do you avoid him? Do you try to remain friends in case circumstances change?

She also said she feels there is some mutual interest between them even though he is seeing someone else.

First of all, let me say to Miss S., that my heart goes out to you. As a single, I wore these same, “I-have-a-crush-shoes” several times. But there are some things a woman can do to navigate a circumstance like this wisely.

My first question would be. . .

What do you mean when you say "try to remain friends?" 

The word “friends” gets pretty muddy sometimes when emotions are involved. Do you mean acquaintances? Do you mean you want to talk to him on the phone? Go where he goes? Hang out with him?  

Women can say, “We're just friends” but what they really mean is that they're holding onto the hope that things will change and that he and his girlfriend will break up. This means they're holding out for a man who isn’t available (and hasn't expressed verbal interest), and in the meantime, they're emotionally taking ourselves off the market and getting stuck in an unproductive, non-dating relationship.

So, when you say, “friends” you mean that you can be around him without longing and being thrown into sadness that a relationship with him isn’t happening, okay. Then maybe you can be friends.

You need to ask yourself, "If I try to remain friends with him, am I being honest about the ability to be just friends? Or, do I obsess about "signs"—hoping that maybe he’s changed his mind and now likes me? Am I lying to myself about his possible interest or there being attraction on his part?

Am I justifying by saying I am okay being friends and that I'm over it, but are really still hoping things will work out?

If do remain friends and that’s all it ever becomes, can I honestly say I am okay with that? Or, will I emotionally put myself in a place where I am not open to other relationships?"

You need to be honest with yourself.

If you find that your heart isn’t healing, it may mean that you need to limit contact with him—or even stop being around him for a period of time until you can get your emotions straightened out.

This means that you wouldn’t call him. You won’t keep hanging out where you know he will be. You won’t drive by his house and ask your friends about him. You won’t try to see what he is doing on Facebook. (In short, you don't want to feed emotions for someone who isn't reciprocating.)

Lastly, you need to ask yourself, “How serious am I about marrying? And, if I keep my heart involved in this non-dating relationship, can I be productive in my dating life so I don’t get hung up with something that isn’t going anywhere?”

Remember that for you to experience love with someone who is available, you have to make your heart available.

This doesn't mean that things couldn't change in the future, but you want to protect your heart and put yourself in a position where you are open to other relationships. Then, if this one works out, great--you haven't lost any time and you've taken care of yourself and your emotions. 

I hope this has been helpful.

The dream you have to love and be loved is possible.

Your dating and relationship coach,