She Went on 36 First Dates in a Year--and Here's What Happened

Whew! Our world has been crazy lately, right? If you’re like me, you could use a little positivity today.

Good news! I’d like to hold out some hope to you. Before I share more about that, I want to share that within the last week I’ve received several emails from single women with sentiments like these:

“Shana, there aren’t any quality men in my area. I mean, there are nooooo men!”

“Men don’t ever approach me. I am losing hope.”

“I feel like I’m invisible to men.”

“Maybe I’m just meant to be alone.”

Oh, man. I completely understand these sentiments. Because I was unmarried well into my forties, I had plenty of time to utter each of them more than once at different points in my single journey. Being single, when you’d rather not be, can sometimes feel discouraging.

That said, I now realize that when I spoke the above phrases, they revealed something about what I believed:

I believed that dating and finding a quality guy were passive activities. I thought that my Mister would—one day—just show up on his white horse and we would ride off into the sunset and live happily ever after because it was “meant to be.”

Who could blame me for having this perspective?

For me, just like it is for many women (maybe you can relate), finding love fell within the “magic” or “destiny” categories. (It’s what we’ve been taught from movies, music, and even our best friends.)

And, when things are destined to happen . . . well you don’t have to do a darn thing.

The problem is that this kind of thinking can lead to despair when romance doesn’t turn out the way you like.

It can make you vulnerable to the wrong kind of men.

It can make you feel like you’re undesirable, and not worth loving.

I now know that dating and finding a quality, trustworthy, marriage-minded man are definitely not passive activities.

Passivity may have worked for most women in history when getting married was something that you just did. It was expected that men and women would pair up—and by a certain age, lest young women become a burden to their parents.

Passivity worked when men were confident in making the first move and the gender roles weren’t confusing like they are today.

Passivity may have worked when you were still in high school or college and were surrounded by tons of young men who were looking for young women.

But passivity won’t work in your thirties, forties, fifties, and sixties—and in our current culture.

To find a trustworthy, marriage-minded man you’ve got to have a strategic dating plan.

And, living by phrases such as: “Don’t chase” “Let the man make the first move” “When it’s right, it will happen” “When it’s meant to be, a man will come along” and “It will happen when you’re not looking” don’t help. They’ll just leave you sitting at home on the weekends, feeling discouraged without being purposeful.

If there is one thing I wish I would have said to myself while I was single, and hoping and praying that a man would come along, it would have been this: “Take control of your romantic life. Be purposeful and intentional because love is possible.”

Granted, I don’t think you can control everything in life.

But let me encourage you: you have much, much more power over your romantic life than perhaps you can imagine right now. (I speak from someone who has been in your shoes and is looking over her shoulder at her single journey with clarity.)

Even if you feel invisible.

Even if there aren’t loads of men in your area.

Even if you haven’t been on a date in years.

Even if you feel as if all the good ones are taken.

You don’t have to just sit around and wait for a man to show up, wait for a man to notice you, or wait until it’s “meant to be.”

You can increase your opportunities to find a trustworthy, marriage-minded man by how you think and what you do.

This doesn’t mean you have to become aggressive and chase men.

It doesn’t mean you have to do all the work while he doesn’t pursue.

It doesn’t mean you have to compromise your values or act desperate.

It just means you need a dating plan that works.

Consider this:

If you want a job, you look for one.

If you want to make new friends, you join a club or a special meetup group.

If you want to learn to play the guitar, you take steps to learn how.

Because Diane wanted to marry, after she had worked through some of her personal obstacles that were holding her back in her romantic life, she made a strategic plan to get out there and date.

When I talked with her, she told me that she went on 36 first dates in a year. (That’s dedication!)

Sometimes she immediately knew that a particular man wasn’t a good match. Other times, she went out with a guy several times before it became clear about the path she needed to take.

Sometimes she got frustrated and wanted to quit so she took a break from dating, but she always “got back in the saddle.”

Then one day, at the end of her year of dating, she met the man she eventually married. You can bet she is very glad that she did what she needed to do to take action in her love life!

I’m not telling you that you need to go on 36 first dates in a year. But what I am saying is that it’s time to take action.

It means that if you want to experience love with a quality man, it’s time change things up. Remember that old adage, “If you keep doing what you have always done, you’re going to get what you have always gotten”?

It’s time to stop taking a passive approach to your love life.

It’s time to stop hoping it will just happen.

It’s time to stop giving into discouragement by telling yourself that you’re meant to be alone.

It’s time to stop believing that love is for everyone but you.

It’s time to stop thinking that you’re not enough, not worth keeping, that you’re rejectable, undesirable, or unlovable.

It’s time to stop believing that all the good men are taken.

It’s time for something different.

Don’t let another year pass and then look back over your shoulder and wish you had been more purposeful.

The dream you have to love—and be loved—is possible.

When you take action, you only have everything to gain and nothing to lose, right?

Which leads me to the positivity I’d like to share with you in the midst of everything that is going on in our world right now.

I want to personally invite you to become a part of Smart Single Women Club. Through this group program, I’ll teach you how to take action in your dating and relationship life so you can stop feeling like you can’t do anything about your single status.

Two times a month, I’ll answer your dating and relationship questions LIVE and you’ll hear from other women who are standing in your single shoes. I promise you that you’ll be encouraged.

I just hosted our first coaching session for the the Club, and it was ahhhhmazing! The women who attended asked some fantastic questions.

Don’t miss out!

I’m giving away 100 free, 30-day trials to the first 100 women. Sign up and join me now. No obligation. Spots are filling up. When they are gone, they are gone.

Check it out on this page. 

The dream you have to love—and be loved—is possible!

Your dating and relationship coach,

Shana