[Part 4] How Fast is Too Fast? Don't Commit While Under the Influence of This

This week, I’ve sent out several emails about Tamra, a woman I coached, who asked me how to know how fast to move in a new relationship.

She said, “I always feel that I end up giving my heart away too soon and then I get hurt when the relationship ends.”

Perhaps you’ve stood in Tamra’s relational shoes.

Today, I’d like to share the 3^rd Step you can take to make sure you don’t move too fast in a relationship and sabotage your love life:

Don’t commit while under the influence. 

(You can check out my Introduction (Part 1) and Steps 1 and 2 if you haven't already.)

There can be many reasons a woman gives her heart away too fast to a man who hasn’t earned the right to her affections.

For example, she may ignore red flags, trust too easily, fall for a man’s smooth words (what woman doesn’t want to be romanced?), be afraid of saying no, and she can be under the influence of infatuation and chemistry.

This leads me to talk about one of my favorite chic flicks: Sleepless in Seattle.

In the movie Sam Baldwin, played by Tom Hanks, lives in Seattle on a house boat with his son, Jonah. Sam’s wife has died and he is having a difficult time moving on.

One day, Jonah calls a radio talk show to try to get help for his dad. When the show’s host says to Sam, “Tell me what was so special about your wife,” his response made the hearts of women everywhere melt.

“Well, it was a million tiny little things that, when you added them all up, they meant we were supposed to be together... and I knew it. I knew it the very first time I touched her. It was like coming home . . . only to no home I'd ever known. I was just taking her hand to help her out of a car and I knew. It was like . . . magic.”

We melted because we want to know lasting love. And we melted because “magic” feels good. No doubt, the initial rush of chemistry in a relationship can be intoxicating.

(And it doesn’t just happen to teens or people in their twenties. Anyone can experience it, regardless of age.)

But intoxicating chemistry can be a problem when it causes a woman to give her heart away too fast.

Relying on chemistry to make your relational choices for you is never a good idea. It can cause you to jump in when you shouldn't. 

GET MY FREE DOWNLOAD TO HELP YOU FIGURE OUT IF YOU COMMIT TOO QUICKLY.

It can cause you to overlook red flags, or to become involved with a man who won’t be good for you, isn’t a good match for you, and will break your heart.  

And, it can cause you to overlook some really great men because there’s no initial “magic.”

It can cause you to sabotage your love life.

Additionally, if a woman believes the lie that chemistry is a solid indicator of long-term success of a relationship, or that it’s proof that a relationship is right (like Sam Baldwin taught us in Sleepless in Seattle) then she can get into a whole lot-o relationship trouble.

Research shows that when you feel you are in love, that your brain releases dopamine, norepinephrine, and oxytocin, as well as other chemicals that are associated with pleasure and excitement.

When these chemicals are released in your brain, you feel fantastic. But there is a problem.

During this initial stage of infatuation, the critical part of the brain shuts down and you won’t notice your partners flaws.

Mona D. Fishbane, PhD. says,

“Crazy in love is a temporary state; the brain can’t stand the intensity forever. At some point the critical parts of the brain come back online, and we see our partners, warts and all. The jazzed-up chemicals settle down, and our drug high gives way to a calmer brain state. Romantic love, researchers find, yields to a tamer version, called companionate love. This happens somewhere between a year and three years into a relationship.”

So what’s the answer for this dilemma?

It’s Tip #3 on how to make sure you don’t move too fast in your relationship and sabotage your love life:

Don’t make long-term relational choices while under the influence.

Maybe you’re asking, “How do I know how much chemistry is enough chemistry? How attracted should I be?”

I’d like to share what someone shared with me when I asked the same question as a single:

Of course you should be attracted to the man you marry. I wouldn’t ever advise that a woman marry someone she has no desire to be with physically.

But neither would I advise that a woman need to be blown away by a guy and feel intense emotion (what Sam Baldwin called “magic”) to prove that a relationship is worth keeping.

The long-term success of the relationship that is right for you should also involve higher virtues that last and grow as they are nurtured in healthy relationships: unselfishness, kindness, compassion, humility, friendship, and shared faith.

These are the qualities to look for in a trustworthy, marriage-minded man—and they are also characteristics that take time to discover.

Remember that the desire you have to love and truly be loved is possible.

P.S. Keep your eyes on your email for my 4^th Step to make sure you don’t move too fast in a relationship and sabotage your love life.

I’ll also be sending you a quiz for you so you can see if you’re sabotaging your love life without realizing it.

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