One Secret That Will Help You Choose a Great Mate

A while back, I sent you an email and asked you to share your greatest fears about being single with me. I also asked the other women in the SO30 Community to do the same.

I received many answers such as:

I fear never being loved for who I really am.
I fear being alone in my old age.
I fear I will never find anyone.

I empathize. I felt these same fears before I married at 46—and I know first-hand they can be difficult to deal with.

Of all the responses I received, the #1 fear was the fear of making a poor choice in a marriage partner.

If you can relate, I want to validate you. Even if it’s not telling you the truth, your fear makes sense. After all, you have seen others make poor choices in marriage partners.

You have watched those close to you—perhaps even your parents—languish in relational disaster.

And, maybe you feel you made a few poor relationship choices in the past, too.

Maybe you chose a man to marry who wasn’t good for you.

Or, you dated a man—or men—who treated you poorly.

Now, you’re looking back, wondering, “How in the world did I miss the signs?”  And, as a result, you naturally fear making a poor choice in a man to marry.

I made plenty of relational mistakes before I became happily married for the first time at 46. I feared I would choose poorly. I didn’t trust myself to make a good decision.

But then some things changed:

I learned how to tell the difference between a marriage-minded man and a man who was just playing games. 

I stopped allowing my heart to get tangled up in relationships that weren’t going anywhere.

I learned how to recognize toxic men and I quit trying to change them.  

I developed better boundaries and I learned to say no when needed. 

I learned how to develop an intentional dating plan. 

I stopped being paralyzed by the fear of rejection. 

And I dared to believe that having a great relationship was possible—BECAUSE IT IS.

And it is for you, too!

If you can relate to anything I have said so far, let me encourage you by sharing 1 secret with you that will help you choose a great mate:

Recognize that who you are today isn’t who you were in the past.

So, your relational past doesn't have to define your relational future. 

Great news, right?! 

One day as I coached *Sarah, she said she had a rule never to talk to any men she hadn’t come to know through a trusted friend or family member. (This was a problem because she was ruling out lots of great men.) The thought of having even small conversations with men who were strangers terrified her.

As we dug a little deeper into this fear, we were able to pinpoint one painful incident that happened to her when she was a young woman. To protect herself, lest she experience something similar again, she decided she wouldn’t ever talk to men that a family member or friend hadn’t introduced her to.

After we identified the root of her fear, I asked her if she is any different now than she was when her unfortunate experience happened.

“Yes, I am,” she said.

“Do you have more wisdom than you did back then?” I asked.

“Yes, I do” she said.

“Have you grown? Are you a different person?”

“Yes,” she said.

“If something were to happen like what happened before, do you believe you have tools in your relational toolbox now to help you, tools that you didn’t have before?”

“Yes, I do” she said.

Then she laughed a little delighted laugh.

She realized she had grown. She realized she can a better relational choice.

Here’s truth: You may fear making a poor choice in a mate. But just like Sarah, you are not who you were in the past.

You are wiser—and you are not who you are going to be. You can be wiser still.

If a basketball player can learn to shoot baskets, a swimmer can learn to swim, and a woman can learn to cook, you can learn better relational skills.

And with these skills, you can learn how to make a good choice in a mate. 

You don’t have to fear choosing Mr. Wrong so you decide it’s better to lock your heart away.

You don’t have to fear choosing Mr. Wrong so you decide not to date or “put yourself out there.”

You don’t have to fear choosing Mr. Wrong so you sabotage your own chances at love.

Fear does not have to rule or control you. You can make good relational decisions.

You can learn what characteristics to look for in a safe, marriage-minded man. You can become equipped so you choose well.

My goal is to help you do that very thing. I want you to find a marriage-minded man you can trust. Stick with me and I’ll help you learn to recognize—and attract—that awesome kind of guy. 

Remember that you rock, you really do. 

P.S. If you responded and shared your fears with me, thank you so much! I read each email and would have loved to respond to each one, but was unable to due to the volume. Please know that your thoughts matter to me.