One Reason He May Not Be Pursuing You

Debra has gotten her heart broken by numerous men, so she reached out to me for help. She said she wanted coaching because she noticed a pattern in her dating life: she would meet a man, immediately fall for him, and then he would leave her.

Initially, he might give her enough emotional attention to make her think he was really interested. But then after months of playing a dating “cat and mouse game,” he would finally pull away for good and she would get hurt.

“I get attached really fast. I’m very loyal. When I give my heart away, I give it all. There’s no middle ground for me,” she said. Debra believes it’s a good thing, to be “all in” with a man—and it is.

At the right time.

But when a woman chases a man by sharing how she feels too soon before he has shown he is genuinely interested, when she calls or texts or shows up at his house when he hasn’t given signs of interest, when she tries to push the relationship forward when he hasn’t indicated that’s what he wants, or when she gives her heart away to a guy when he hasn’t asked for it, it doesn’t come off as attractive to a man.

It can come off as desperate.

It can seem as if she doesn’t have self-respect because she isn’t requiring the man to do the relational work needed to win her affections. (And, her affections should be won because she is a prize. And yes, this means you too! You are a prize!)

As I talked with Debra a little more about her pattern of giving her heart away quickly, she said, “I don’t know why I do that.”

There can be many reasons women get attached too quickly (which I will talk about in my next email) but in Debra’s case, I discovered one reason she engages in this unproductive dating pattern.

“Men won’t pursue,” she said. “Where are the men who will pursue?” When I asked if she wants a man who will pursue her, she said, “Of course, but men won’t pursue.”  When I asked if she believes men just won’t pursue her, or if they won’t pursue at all, she said men don’t pursue any women at all anymore. “That something that used to happen in the old days.”

Ah ha! There was her answer for why she keeps falling for men too quickly and chasing them: she doesn’t believe they will pursue her.

As long as Debra believes men won’t pursue women, even when they are really interested, she will continue to chase them. And, she’ll get attached too quickly to men who haven’t proven they are worthy of her affection, and then there’s a good chance they will leave. How tragic! This is exactly what she doesn’t want and she deserves better than that!

When a man is genuinely interested in a woman and he receives gentle encouragement from her that she is interested—he will pursue.

But Debra needs to learn to give men space so they can come after her.

This means she’ll have to learn to let go of the insecurity that comes when she isn’t trying to control the outcome of the relationship.

She’ll need to remind herself that she is worthy of being loved.

She’ll need to grab onto confidence to let him move toward her.

She’ll have to face her fears of being abandoned.

And, she’ll have to drop the belief that men won’t pursue and that they need help from a woman to engage in relationship.

If you can relate to anything that I have shared today, I hope you are encouraged. You are worth pursuing. You are a prize!

Today I’ve shared Debra’s reason for why she attaches to men too quickly.  

In my next email, I will share 10 more reasons why you might be falling too fast, too soon.

As a spoiler alert, I have to say that before I finally met my husband at 43—and later married at 46—I gave my heart away to men who didn’t clearly show interest and didn’t pursue me.  So, if you can relate to anything I have shared today—or that I share in my upcoming email—please know that you’re not alone!

Until then, if you haven’t signed up to get your free, 30-minute, no-strings attached coaching session with me, grab your spot now. Even if you aren’t sure why you might need to talk with me, but you do know that you’d like to move forward in your dating and relationship life, please set up a time on my calendar. I can help. Check out what other women have said about their free coaching with me here.

Remember, the dream you have to love—and be loved—is possible!

Your dating and relationship coach,

Shana