What to Do If You Feel Like You're Not Enough

From the time you’re in elementary school and you hope that that special boy will put a Valentine in your box, to when you’re 30, 40, 50, or 60 and you’re dating, being emotionally vulnerable can feel frightening. 

Last week, I had free, one-on-one coaching sessions with three lovely women: One in her 60s; one in her 50s; and one in her 40s. And, although they didn’t say, “Love is scary” I knew that they feel that it is. How do I know? 

Because they reject themselves before a man can reject them. 

Here’s what this looks like:

• A man smiles at you in the grocery store. He’s handsome. Tall. You blush, look down, and tell yourself, “He wouldn’t be interested in someone like me” so you walk away without even starting a conversation.

• A man tells your cousin he’d like to get to know you better. You think, “If he got to know me, then he wouldn’t be interested in me anymore. That’s how it always happens.” So, you tell your cousin, “Thanks, but no thanks.”
  
  
• A friend from work organizes a special dinner party at her house so you can meet her husband’s workout buddy. She shows you his picture and you think, “He’s way out of my league.” You go to the dinner party, but stammer, stutter, and shut down in conversation with him. You feel like you’re twelve years old and in junior high all over again. 
  
  

In each of these scenarios, feeling unworthy of love and being afraid of love, causes you to reject yourself before a man can reject you. And this can be a big problem because this behavior causes relationship sabotage. 

If you doubt a man could truly be interested in you, you’ll pull away, or you’ll push men away before they have a chance to get to know you.  

During a coaching session, Susan, who is in her 50s said, “If a man shows interest in me, I wonder what is wrong with him.” Susan has been rejecting herself before men can reject her.  And it’s safer that way, right? 

After all, if she doesn’t give men who are interested in her a chance, then she doesn’t have to put herself out there. And, if she doesn’t put herself out there, then she can stay emotionally safe and doesn’t have to feel the discomfort of being emotionally vulnerable, even though she says she wants a relationship. 

If she rejects herself before a man rejects her, there isn’t any way she’ll ever get hurt.  

If you’re like Susan and you feel unworthy of being loved, you may be drawn to men who aren’t interested in you. 

Or, you may enter into committed dating relationships with men are interested, but who you know won’t ever truly interest you.   

Why would you waste time in these non-productive dating patterns when, deep down, you want a relationship with a man who loves you? 

Because both of these types of men pose no threat to your sense of emotional safety. Both won’t ever require you to feel vulnerable. 

But here’s the real deal: 

• To love and be loved requires vulnerability and risk.
• Real love requires that you make yourself vulnerable because that is the nature of love. It means that two people connect their hearts with one another—and that can feel scary. 
• Love is a risk when you first meet someone and are deciding if you should actually go on a date.
• Love is a risk when you start to share more of your story—and share the parts that you feel are undesirable.   
• Love is a risk when you decide to date exclusively. 
• Love is a risk when you say yes to getting engaged and yes to marriage. 
• Love is always a risk. 
• Even after you say “I do” there is the risk of your spouse dying or something going wrong in the relationship. 

If you’re afraid getting rejected or feeling vulnerable so you reject you before a man can reject you, and you want to be in a committed, loving relationship, you need to ask yourself these critical questions: 

If I keep doing what I have always done, what will the result be five, ten, or fifteen years from now? 

If I keep my heart sealed up, if I keep running from relationships because I’m afraid of getting rejected, if I keep being overly self-protective, am I okay with the result that will bring? 

Or, do I want something different? 

If I knew it was possible to have a loving relationship with a quality guy who will care for me, am I willing to take the risk to open my heart with the right man?

If you’re ready to move past internal obstacles that are keeping you stuck and are preventing you from experiencing the love you desire, please reach out to me. I’d love to help. 

If you haven’t grabbed a free, 30-minute coaching session with me, please do! I’m passionate about helping single women overcome the internal and external obstacles that keep them single. Just click here to save your spot on my calendar. 

I look forward to talking with you soon! 

Your dating and relationship coach, 
Shana 

P.S. The dream you have to love--and be loved--is possible! Click to grab your free spot on my calendar now.