[Part 1] How Fast is Too Fast? My Messed Up Dating Life

When I was single, like many women I coach, I prayed—a lot—to meet a suitable mate. But in spite of my prayers, I was still really confused about love.

My confusion showed up in how I conducted myself in relationships.

As I’ve mentioned before, I engaged in “friendlationships” (dead-end relationships that aren’t friendships but aren’t really romantic relationships either).

I spent years in committed dating relationships that weren’t moving toward the wedding altar.

I quickly rejected good men without giving them a chance.

And, I jumped into relationships with men who pursued me without taking the time to really get to know them.

These are some of the many ways that I sabotaged my love life.

GET MY FREE DOWNLOAD TO HELP YOU FIGURE OUT IF YOU COMMIT TOO QUICKLY.

Here’s what would usually happen when I jumped into a relationship too quickly.  

I would meet a man. He seemed nice, and perhaps I found him attractive. From our first interactions, it also seemed we shared many of the same Christian values.

He would quickly express an interest in me and because I wanted to be open and not “too picky,” I would reciprocate and jump into a relationship with him without really knowing what I thought or felt. I would go from “Single Shana” to “Exclusively Dating Shana” in a matter of a few weeks.

Without knowing a man’s character.

Without finding out if we could be good friends.  

Without determining if there were any potential red flags about him.

Without letting the relationship—and my feelings and convictions—develop naturally.

I would jump in . . . fast.

I had no idea that I was doing it all wrong. Wasn’t I supposed to just “wait and see what happens”?

Then, a month, two months, or two years later, I would have to “back up the relationship truck” and break up. And as you may be able to testify from your own experience, breaking up was waaaaay harder than jumping in. These relationships always ended in a lot of tears and disappointment.

Now that I’m happily married to my husband, Clark, and we took plenty of time to get to know one another as friends before we started dating exclusively, I can look back with clarity on my relational path and see many of the mistakes I made.

That’s why I’m sharing this with you. I want you to know there is a better way than dating with confusion.

You can date with greater confidence.

Relationships don’t have to be filled with heartbreak.

Don’t get me wrong; you can’t eliminate every relational trouble. It would be untruthful to preach that message. But you don’t have to invite trouble either by being uninformed like I was. You can date with greater clarity.  

During a recent coaching call, I spoke with Tamra whose experience echoed my own.

“I don’t know how quickly I should move from just meeting someone to dating exclusively. I always feel that I end up giving my heart away too soon and then I get hurt when the relationship ends. How do I know when to take it further with a guy? I don’t want him to think I’m not interested if I take too long to decide to date him exclusively if he’s expressing interest.”

Before I share with you what I shared with Tamra, I want to tell you I’m going to do something a little different this week.

Over the next several days, I’m going to share FOUR important steps you can take to make sure you don’t move too fast in a relationship and sabotage your love life like I did.

(It’s important for me to break up the information because it’s just too much to share in one message.)

So, if you are also wondering how to know if you should move from “Hi” to “He’s my guy,” and how fast to do it, stick around. I’d like to help you out.   

My prayer is that you won’t make the mistakes that I made.

Keep your eyes here. I’ll be back with the first dating tip I shared with Tamra tomorrow. (That tip has now been posted here: https://www.singleover30.net/blog/how-to-create-a-go-slow-boundary)

The dream you have to love—and be loved—is possible.

I’m grateful for you.

Your dating coach,

P.S. Maybe you’re thinking about a couple you know who met and then married two weeks after their initial introduction—and they are still together 40 years later. These are wonderful stories and I love them! But they are exceptions, not the rule. It’s generally wise to take your time when it comes to relational commitments.

“The righteous choose their friends carefully, but the way of the wicked leads them astray.” (Proverbs 12:26)

P.P.S. At the end of the week, I'll share a quiz with you so you can determine if you are sabotaging your relationships without realizing it like I did. 

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