Is It a Red Flag If a Man Talks About His Ex?

Hey there, Single Lady!

Imagine this. . .

You've just met a guy, and you're on your first or second date and you think maybe he could be someone special. It seems like he has a lot of the qualities that you are looking for, but during your date he does something that turns you off—and maybe even makes you a little afraid . . . he mentions his ex.

And maybe he doesn't just mention her, but he says some unpleasant things about her. Is this a red flag? I answer that question in this Single Over 30 episode and give you some tips on what to do during your “he’s talking about her” date.

He’s showing growth and maturity

[2:01]

Is it a red flag that he goes on and on about his ex? This depends upon the context – his heart. You need discernment here to perceive the condition of his heart. If he’s taking accountability for shortcomings in his past relationship and mentions his growth, that is a good sign.

[3:04]

If he has a bitter spirit, he has some healing to do.

Is he going on and on about her and even bashing her character? This is where you should pay attention because it means he has some healing to do before he’s ready for another relationship. It could also be that he has a bitter spirit, which won’t work when it comes to love.

[4:01]

He’s moved on and is just expressing the relationship was part of his story.

If he’s mentioning that the relationship was difficult without raging or ranting about it, it could mean that his comments are coming from a place of growth and maturity, and simple reflection.

It’s important that you take your time and not rush into anything because a man’s true intentions and readiness for a relationship show over time.

What to do when he starts talking about his ex.

[7:14]

Reframe how you look at it.

What if instead of avoiding the subject, you use the opportunity to learn more about him, his past, and his readiness for a relationship? Through listening you can find out about his heart because when people talk, it reveals more about who they are.  

The next thing you can do is let him know with a smile that you’re enjoying his company, but that you’d really love learning about him and save the past relationship information for another time. It lets him know you’re still interested in talking to him and that the ex’s subject is too much too soon, but you’re still interested in hearing about it later.

If he gets offended, then it shows his emotional instability and unhealthiness.

[9:25]

He may be relaying information about his history.

If you allow him to continue talking about himself, he may be pointing out some legitimate problems in his past relationships. Pay attention if he’s had a string of bad relationship endings because that could be a red flag.

If he’s a serial dater, it could be that he’s pursuing emotionally unhealthy women or maybe he doesn’t have the discernment to choose women well. It could also be that he hasn’t learned from his past experiences. 

[11:04]

Listen to your gut and take your time.

If you can see that his past relationships are not an indication of who he is, then it’s not a problem. Remember, it’s important to listen to your gut and take your time so you can get to know him better before you write him off.

Also, look out to see if he’s sharing from a healthy place where he feels safe and that he can trust you.

[13:23]

Something to keep in mind. . .

Context is important when it comes to a man talking about his ex, like how long you’ve known each other, what level of trust you have developed, and the condition of his heart when sharing about his past. Pay attention to a man’s attitude, spirit, and the condition of his heart because you’re looking for a potential husband who can love you, adore you, and treat you well.

Listen—and learn more--on Apple Music:  https://podcasts.apple.com/podcast/id1555536184

Learn more about Shana’s Coaching: https://www.shanaschuttecoaching.com

Schedule a free, 15-minute coaching Discovery Session to find out if dating and relationship coaching is right for you: https://calendly.com/shanaschutte/15-minute-discovery-session