[Part 3] How Fast is Too Fast? If You Don't Know This, You're Exceeding the Dating Speed Limit

Yesterday I posted and shared about Step #1 of four important steps you can take to make sure you aren’t moving too fast in a relationship so you don’t sabotage your love life: Create a “Go-Slow Boundary” (GSB).

I also said I would share how my husband, Clark, responded to my GSB when we were considering dating exclusively.

Before I tell you more about his response, I need to give you a little backstory.

Clark was not was I expected for a husband when I met him because he had something surprising: five grown children. (Yes, FIVE!)

And this was a problem for me because I had pretty much vowed years earlier that I would never become a part of a blended family.

I was certain that type of arrangement would only bring me deep heartache—and that was not part of the picture-perfect life I planned for myself.

But after dating for over two decades after high school, I was ready for a man with great character, and Clark definitely had that.

When I noticed what a great guy he is, I moved into our friendship with an open heart, but told him I was uncertain about marrying someone with kids. It scared me. I needed to go slow. 

I set up an appointment with a counselor to share my concerns. When I told Clark that I had gone and why I had gone, I asked him what he thought. I was so grateful he wasn’t offended or insecure about it.   

He was supportive instead.

He said, “Shana, I think that is very brave of you. Is there anything I can do to help? I will do whatever I can to support you. If you’d like me to go with you, I will.”

Big points for Clark on that one.

His patience with my GSB made me feel emotionally safe.

But it wasn’t just that he said he would be patient, he demonstrated patience too.

While we were getting to know one another, he checked in with me several times over the course of 18 months and asked, “How are you feeling about our relationship?”

When I once said that I was 99.9 percent sure about him, he responded, “I will wait for the .1 percent. I just want you to be happy, if it’s with me or with someone else. But I will wait for you until you know, however long it takes.”

And he did.

He didn’t just say he would wait for me and then push me.

He didn’t just say he cared and then try to get me to move my boundaries.

He gently communicated with me until I was ready to move forward in our relationship.

Big points for Clark all around.

I don’t share this with you to make you feel bad, only to let you know that there are good men out there who will wait for the woman they are interested in.

There are men who have character.

But if you allow your boundaries to be moved, you won’t meet that kind of man because you’ll be stuck with the wrong kind of man.

Which leads me to my next step to make sure you aren't exceeding the relational speed limit. 

Step #2: Check for Character. Notice Red Flags.

Remember Tamra, the woman I coached who asked, “I don’t know how quickly I should move from just meeting someone to dating exclusively"?

Today, I want to answer this part of Tamra’s question through an analogy.

Imagine that you want to purchase a house. You wouldn’t choose a home just because it looks good on the outside, and you wouldn’t choose one because it has a nice yard. 

No, you would look inside the home too---and you would have an inspection done to determine the integrity of the house. What if there are termites in the attic? What if the foundation is bad or the plumbing is rotten?

Just as you wouldn’t sign a contract to purchase a home without determining the integrity of the home, you wouldn’t make a commitment to date someone exclusively (which is for the intention of determining if you should marry) until you know the about the integrity—or character—of the man.

And here’s a big secret: Time will reveal what rushing in will conceal. Positive character traits, along with negative red flags, are revealed over time.

If you get in a hurry, heightened emotions (and hormones!) can cause you to miss important character traits you shouldn’t , lest you sabotage your love life.

GET MY FREE DOWNLOAD TO HELP YOU FIGURE OUT IF YOU COMMIT TOO QUICKLY.

Here are some positive character traits to make note of while you are getting to know a man before you begin to date him exclusively.

(Note, while no man is perfect--just as there aren't any perfect women--it's good for a man to be generally characterized by these traits.)

Honest
Empathetic
Open
Takes responsibility for his actions
Earns your trust rather than demands it
Willing to grow
Humble
Respects your boundaries
Willing to forgive

Here are some red flags to pay attention to:

Manipulative
Won’t admit weaknesses
Defensive and not open to feedback
Blames others for his problems
Apologizes without changing behavior
Avoids facing his issues
Untruthful
Demanding
Self-righteous
Tempts you sexually/presses your boundaries
Dodges personal questions
Has a violent history

If you can’t identify good traits about a man’s character from what you have witnessed (not only by what he has said about himself), and if don’t know through experience that he’s not a Red Flag Man, it’s too soon to move into a committed dating relationship.

Please know that following this step is not about being paranoid or cynical. It’s about becoming informed so you can make an informed decision. It’s about being wise.

When you have a solid idea about a man’s character, then you can feel confident to move into an exclusive dating relationship.

I hope this has been helpful. Tomorrow, I’m going to share Step #3 to help you know how fast to move in a relationship so you don’t sabotage your love life.

Don’t miss it. It’s all about chemistry!

The desire you have to love—and be loved—is possible.

Your dating and relationship coach,

P.S. As I’ve mentioned, we all know exceptions to every rule. There are people who meet and marry quickly without running into character problems. But again, those are exceptions, not the rule.