How to Deal with Dating Anxiety

When I was single, I was the Queen of Freak Out. Here’s what I mean. . .

When a new guy would call and ask me out for coffee, I'd say “Sure!” Then, within 3.5 seconds flat of hanging up the phone—in my mind—I’d already met him for coffee, met his mother, I was dating him, I was folding his underwear, and having his babies!

I now know that my response came from the fear of rejection. I’d been hurt in the past, and I didn’t want to have a repeat performance! At the time, I just couldn’t seem to shake overreacting when a new guy came around. It was just a coffee date, but in my thoughts, I was already walking down the aisle!

When it comes to getting to know a man. . . if a guy calls, or sends a text to ask you out, you might find yourself freaking out too.

Believe me, I don’t mean this as condemnation, because I’ve been there—and I know it can be really uncomfortable and painful.

If you start to feel anxious when you have the opportunity for a first date, feel nervous when you’re getting to know a guy, or panic when you realize that a few dates might be developing into something more serious, don’t worry. I’ve got your back.

Below, I’ve outlined 4 tips to help you deal with dating anxiety.

1. Accept the dating stages

The first tip to deal with dating anxiety is to accept that healthy relationships develop in stages. I hadn’t ever heard about relationship stages as a single, but after I married, I realized I’d missed this important fact—and now I’m happy I can share this knowledge with you.

In the first relationship stage when you meet a man, you are an acquaintance. You don’t even have friend status.

Of course, society and pop culture don’t tell us this. Movies, books, television, the online dating culture, and even friends or family can make us believe that the process from meeting to marriage is quick: you meet, you fall in love, you get married. Just. Like. That.

But that’s not how healthy relationships develop. In fact, studies show that slower courtships result in greater marital success. There are stages every healthy relationship goes through at a natural, organic pace. It’s not supposed to be rapid-fire romance like you see in the rom-coms.

If you believe you’re supposed to move from A to Z in a relationship, and skip all the letters in between in a snap, that’s a problem, and it’s not serving you well. That will put way too much pressure on you—and possibly on the man you’re getting to know.

When you accept the stages of dating, it will help take the pressure off so you know you don’t have to decide quickly what you think about or even feel about a particular man.

When you first meet a man, remember that you are in the Acquaintance Stage. You’re just on your first meet-up; it’s not a marriage proposal, which leads me to my second tip

2. Think of dating as a process

The first date probably isn’t the time that you’ll find out if a man is right for you. When you understand that dating happens in stages, you’ll be able to see that dating is a process. Be good to you. Take the pressure off yourself; you don’t need to know right away if he is your man.

I know that it can be difficult to stay with the process when you’re hungry for a relationship and you’ve been waiting for years to tie the knot. But it’s important to remind yourself that dating is a process—and it’s one that often takes longer than we think it should or like.  

If you're afraid of opening your heart to love, check out my "Safe to Love Worksheet." It contains 12 questions that helped me open my heart again to love.  

3. Stay in the moment

Next, practice staying in the moment.  Whenever you find yourself thinking about the future and you start ruminating over what will happen, or should happen, or how you hope it will happen, or whatever . . . stop. Remind yourself that dating is a process.

Don’t allow your mind to race ahead of where you are in the dating process. You just want to enjoy the first stage of getting to know a man.

Staying in the moment means being present. Some people call this mindfulness. I call it taking your thoughts captive. This can really help when you’re struggling with dating or relationship anxiety.

If you start speculating about the future, stop. Stay in the moment.  

If you start worrying about what could go wrong, stop. Stay in the moment.

Remind yourself this is just a first meeting or first date. Your only job is to have a conversation. That's it.

When you leave that first date, or those first phone conversations, your only question to ask yourself is, “Did I have a good time?” Or, perhaps: “Was that a nice conversation?” That's it. You don’t need to try to figure out how you feel about him. You’re not at that stage yet.

4. Remember, you are a gift

Lastly, remember that you are a gift. You have been created to be a gift. When you’re getting to know a man or going on first dates, not every man will see you as a gift. Not every man will appreciate your sense of your humor, your values, your personality, your faith, your family, or how you like to have fun.

Not every man will appreciate you or accept you. 

That’s okay. You don’t need to impress every man. It only takes one man to love you. So, if a man doesn’t get you on that first date, or during a first interaction, it’s okay. You are a gift, and nothing will change that.

Relationships happen in stages. Think of dating as a process. Remember to stay in the moment and enjoy those first few dates in the getting-to-know you stage.  And don’t forget , you are a gift. It’s how you have been created.

I hope this has been encouraging. 

The dream you have to love and be loved is possible. 

Your dating and relationship coach,