How Not to Waste Time in Going-Nowhere Relationships

Hi, Friend!

When I was single, I dated three men for approximately three years each. None of them were a good fit for me and I wasn’t a good fit for them.

As I write this, I wonder, “What were you thinking!?”

The truth was, I wasn’t.

I wasn’t thinking because I didn’t have a clue about how to develop an intentional dating plan.

I wasn’t thinking because I didn’t know anything about the 5 stages that healthy relationships should progress through before saying “I do.” (I’ll be sharing more about these in an upcoming course I’m releasing this year to help you date with confidence and clarity.)

I wasn’t thinking because I didn’t know how to identify which character traits in a man were most important for marital success and which weren’t.  

I wasn’t thinking because I allowed the men who pursued me to choose how fast the relationship progressed—and that was often faster than it should have gone.

I wasn’t thinking because I followed the world’s way of dating. You meet—and you’re attracted! You quickly start seeing one another exclusively and then you hope it works out, while you spend months and maybe years with a guy who isn’t your guy and can’t ever be your guy because you’re not a good fit for him and he’s not a good fit for you.

(But you still hope that maybe he can become your guy because you really want to get married and you don’t want to break up since you have spent so time together.)

I just wasn’t thinking because I didn’t know any better. Like you, I was doing the best I could.

But because I wasn’t thinking, I spent time in relationships that wouldn’t ever progress toward marriage.

Maybe you can relate. You've started out a relationship or two or three or four with high hopes. You feel like a man has finally "seen" you and is going to love and respect you. He seems so excited about you, and then you are about him, too. 

But then something goes wrong and one or both of you have to break up. And that hurts a lot. You feel duped. You might think, "How could I be so stupid?" "Why didn't I see the signs?" "I should have known not to give my heart away" or "I can't believe I wasted all that time!" 

Thankfully, time is never truly wasted. There are lessons to be learned from all choices, and blessings can be gleaned from all situations. You can take what you learned and apply it in your next relationship. 

But unfortunately, time can’t be recovered.

While I wasn’t being intentional about my dating life, while I didn’t have an intentional dating plan so I didn’t spend months or years in relationships that had little chance of progressing to “I do,” my biological clock was ticking.

I also spent a lot of time being confused and heartbroken until I finally started to lose hope that a good relationship with a man was possible. (Have you been there?)

I spent too many years in non-productive, dead-end dating relationships rather than in productive “this-could-really-go-somewhere” dating relationships.

And . . . every minute I was with Mister Wrong, I wasn’t with Mister Right.

So, how do you keep from wasting time in going-nowhere relationships? (I really don't want this to happen to you. You deserve to have a trustworthy, marriage-minded man love and accept you.)

Here are three tips:

• Take your time. Don’t rush through the acquaintance and friendship stages of a relationship, no matter how eager a man is to quickly date only you or how attracted you are to one another.
  
  If you rush, then you might just have to "back up the relationship truck" later and break up when you discover that you aren’t a good match. You don’t want that to happen. Be wise and guard your heart and the heart of the man who interests you. When you take your time, you're taking it and being wise for yourself and also him. 
• Make a list of the 5 top character traits (only 5!) that are most important to you in a man. Make sure that these traits are the kind that will hold your relationship together when you hit rough patches such as kindness and faith. These character traits (as well as your good traits) will be the glue that holds you together.
  
  These traits need to be what you look for while you’re experiencing the first two relationship stages on the way to the altar: acquaintances and friendship. Once you have an idea about a man’s character, then you’ll be more confident to move into exclusive dating.
• Don’t allow lust or physical attraction to cause you to jump over these Acquaintance and Friendship Stages, the first 2 stages of the 5 that lead to the wedding altar. The world says that if there are sparks that it’s a solid indicator of the viability of a relationship, which simply isn’t true. Physical attraction is just one piece of many pieces of a healthy relationship.

I hope these three things have helped. I’m excited to share more about the 5 stages that lead to the wedding altar this year.

Remember, the dream you have to love—and be loved—is possible.

Your dating and relationship coach,