How Not to Appear Needy and Clingy to a Man

A couple days ago, I posted a meme on Facebook that said:

“Showing emotional and feminine vulnerability gives masculine men the opportunity to protect, care for, and comfort you.”

I also shared that men want to know that their woman needs them.

They don’t want a needy, clingy woman, but they do want a relationship with a woman who can show her tender, vulnerable side when the time is right in the relationship.

One woman commented and said that what I shared is confusing. (I get it! It is confusing!)

She commented, "Your message says a man wants to know his woman needs him, then immediately you say he doesn't want a needy woman. I know what needy and clingy look like, but how do you demonstrate need without being needy?"

Maybe you’ve wondered the same. You want to be open and vulnerable, but you are afraid of being too much. 

Okay, here are a few helps: 

A healthy woman can be emotionally vulnerable, but she isn't desperate. She knows how to be emotionally available to a man but doesn’t smother him by expecting him to fix her. If you show that you need a man, but you aren't needy, you can. . .

• Share your heart (at the appropriate time in the relationship)
• Be honest about your struggles
• Ask for what you want
• Apologize when needed and
• Share what’s on your mind/heart

My guess is that you already do things with people who are close to you whom you trust. A woman who needs a man can ask for what she wants and be vulnerable with a man without being so emotional that she can't engage in the conversation in a way that connects her to her guy.

Sure, there are times that most women cry. (I'm raising my hand here!) Crying is not a negative thing.

However, there is a difference between crying and falling apart most of the time. A woman who is emotional and teary most of the time when communicating with a man over difficult topics doesn't come across as secure. She comes across as needy and insecure. This is a really difficult topic for women who are very sensitive and sensitive to negative words. (Again, I'm holding up my hand.)

A strength that any woman can develop in her relationships is to remind herself that the problem that is currently happening in her relationship feels big right then, but she can help to solve it when she stays calm in communicating. This will help happening right then and right then it feels big. Reacting in a highly emotional way can escalate the problem. 

It's often difficult for men to connect with a woman when she is crying, especially if they don't understand why she is reacting strongly. Staying calm even when you feel teary will help you explain what you need so he can respond. 

Please note that I am not saying that you can fix communication with a man who is self-centered, selfish, abusive, or manipulative.  

Being clingy translates into acting desperate. . .A woman who is emotionally unhealthy and is not her own person, a woman who feels that she doesn’t have any value without a man, or without a particular man will appear to be desperate. 

If you think about what someone who is needy or clingy looks like OUTSIDE the context of a romantic relationship, it may help give you a picture of how a needy woman behaves. 

(If you can relate, there is no shame! I was this woman during several seasons when I was single.) 

Being desperate and needy show up in. . .

• Incessant texting and calling
• Emotional drama and emotional upheaval
• Not allowing a man to have his own life or time to himself
• Needing constant affirmation because of low self-esteem
• Wanting to move too fast in the relationship (which can be demonstrated in his gushing about your feelings and what you want out of the relationship early on)
• Agreeing with everything he says and not having your own opinion
• Being too available
• Not having your own life and
• Being jealous 

In short, being needy shows up in smothering a guy. 

Women aren't the only ones who do this. Sometimes men do it to women too. 

Being clingy and needy comes from fear and weakness. Being open and vulnerable is rooted in courage. 

Remember the dream you have to love and be loved is possible.

Your dating and relationship coach, 

Shana