How (and when) to Ask a Man to Meet Your Needs

Hey, Shana.
 
How long should you date someone to give them time to meet your needs or wants? For example, I'm looking for a man who will pray with me or for me . . . like at a meal time or just as a couple. How long should I give him to meet that need before I remove him from my life? And, if he doesn't do it on his own should I ask him to? You know, we all have a list of things we desire in a mate. Does that make sense?

Thanks, 

Christa
 
Hi, Christa.
 
Thanks for your question. It absolutely makes sense. You ask if you should express your desire. Sure. No one wants to date someone who is sitting back with their checklist and judging that they’re coming up short without communicating what they want.

When two people date—and marry—it’s about both people sharing what they need and learning to serve one another.

No relationship comes perfectly “assembled” from the get-go. 

If you’re interested in a man and care for him, you will naturally want to please him so you would want him to communicate his desires to you. And, if a man shares your affections, he will want to please you and know what you need, too.
 
No one is a mind reader—and it’s unfair to expect your date to be. So, absolutely share your thoughts and respectfully express your desire.  
 
Keep in mind that when you make your request, it doesn’t have to be a big production. For example, when you sit down for a meal, you can just politely ask, “Will you pray with me?”
 
As you do so, also keep in mind that some people aren’t comfortable praying out loud. This doesn’t mean they don’t share your values. For example, one of my family members is fairly introverted and is uncomfortable praying out loud with others. Someone can become more comfortable with praying with you over time.
 
It’s okay to want someone to meet your needs. That said, I want to share a gentle word of caution: 

Sometimes singles become so focused and fixated on what their date isn’t that they miss who they are. 

Of course, don’t overlook red flags, but do look at overall character. Are they generally patient and kind? Are they loving? Are they a faithful friend? Are they available when you need them? When you blow it, are they quick to forgive? Are they reliable?
 
As you share what you need from your date, focus on what you can do for them, too. They have dreams and desires for a relationship just as you do. You can ask them, “How can I serve you better? Is there anything I can do in my relationship with you to make you happy?”
 
You asked how long you should wait for a man to meet your desire. There isn’t a set time frame. However, a great sign of a healthy relationship—and a sign of someone with great character—is that when you respectfully make your request (emphasis on respectfully so you don't put him on the defense) that your date doesn’t dismiss you, say your desire is stupid, or blow you off. Instead, he will want to try and meet your need. This kind of giving and is what all great relationships are made of.
 
As you share what you need with your date, and they share what they need from you, and both of you learn to give to each other, you’ll learn about their character and your character too.  And that’s nothing but a win-win.
 
I hope that helps! Thanks for your question.
 
The desire you have to love and be loved is possible.