Do Men Only Want One Thing?

Today, I was going to share about traits of healthy relationships with you. But I decided to answer the question "Do men only want one thing?" instead, because I keep getting messages like the following from women.

“I met a guy and it was going really well until I told him I wouldn’t sleep with him unless we were married. He disappeared and stopped calling me. I am so hurt.”  

“I got an email from a man I met online. He seemed nice. Within a couple days, he sent me some very inappropriate photos. I immediately blocked him.”

“I just don’t know where I can find a man who isn’t just interested in sex. All men—even the good ones—seem to just be after one thing.”

Is this true?

Are all men interested in just one thing? Are all men just interested in sex?

No.

Are men generally more interested in sex than women?

Yes.

But is sex all that all men care about and all that all men want?

No.

That said, here are three kinds of men who may be interested in just sex and may try to manipulate women into bed:   

• The man who isn’t ready for commitment so he isn’t marriage minded.
• The man who has a sexual addiction.
• The man who is a player (he dates around) and is ambivalent about having a serious relationship.

These men may just be interested in what they can get from a woman.

But a man who is interested in having a real relationship and is ready for love, wants more than just sex. He knows that respect, honor, and kindness are part of a healthy relationship and he isn’t interested in just manipulating a woman to get what he can from her.

When I was in high school and then college, I thought my desire to wait for sex until marriage would be appreciated as I dated. But as I aged, and after several men dropped me in my late thirties for my stand, I became discouraged.

I felt ignored and overlooked. Wasn’t I enough?

I started to feel like many singles—and perhaps even like you have felt.

I began to entertain the idea that all men only want one thing. But I was wrong. All men don’t only want one thing. But, as I said, there are particular men who only want one thing.

A man who is ready for marriage will want to know you for you. He will be interested in what interests you. He will care about how you feel and he won’t want to hurt you. He won’t want to manipulate you to see what he can get from you. And, he will respect your values.

There are men who want to care for a woman.

There are men who want to commit to marriage.

There are men who know what it means to give to a woman sacrificially and serve her.

And there are men who have “no sex before marriage” values.

If you have said no to sex before marriage, and you feel that all men are only after one thing, here are a few thoughts that I hope encourage you.

When it seems a man only wants “one thing,” don’t take it personally. His desire has nothing to do with your worth. Who and what we value has everything to do with our internal, personal condition. Just as he is not responsible for your values, you are not responsible for his.

Reject the lie that you are drawing these men to you and something must be wrong with you. Granted, there are women who send the message that they are interested in sex by their provocative dress and language. But if this isn’t you, keep in mind that the way men are approaching you has more to do with our culture and their beliefs than it does you.

Remember: you can’t keep men who want to manipulate women into bed from approaching you. But you can reject the lie that you are causing it to happen.

Educate yourself what type of red flags you should look for so you know if a man is trying to lay a trap for you. It’s not unkind—or unChristian—to be discerning. It’s wise. So, educate yourself about the red flags ill-meaning men may have for you.

Put aside the thought that ALL men only want one thing. All men don’t want one thing just as all women aren’t after money. Believing this lie about men can cause you to become defensive and label good guys with bad labels. That will cause you to lose hope—and there’s nothing positive that can come from that.

Don’t give up. Sometimes when a woman gets hurt by a man who doesn’t have her best interest in mind, she makes a promise to herself, “No more online dating” or “I’m not dating at all.”

If you do—or don’t—date, there is one thing you don’t want to do: shut down your heart out of fear or an unhealthy level of self-protection. And, you definitely don’t want to take a passive approach to relationships.

A better approach is to operate from a position of courage and wisdom: “I can’t stop these kinds of men from approaching me. But I know this is not about me and I have the courage and strength to endure relational challenges. All men are not this way. There are men out there who are interested in commitment. There are men who would be interested in knowing me for me so I won’t compromise what I believe.”

I hope you have been encouraged.

You rock. You really do.