How to Attract a Trustworthy, Marriage-Minded Man (Part 2)

Everyday I talk with amazing single women who want to tie the knot and find a trustworthy, marriage-minded man.

​​But they are totally frustrated. They keep experiencing heartbreak in their relationships and they sometimes feel like giving up.  

If you can relate and you want to find that special guy, this post is for you.

In my last post (Part 1), I talked about how attracting a quality guy is like having a fence around your yard with a gate. I shared that you can’t control the type of men who approach your gate, but you can control the type of men you let in the gate. And, this is facilitated by having good boundaries.

Today I want to share 8 things that will prevent you from having good boundaries—which in turn can sabotage your love life and keep you in destructive dating cycles.

You won’t be able to set good boundaries if . . .

1. You aren’t sure what boundaries are.

   There’s a lot of talk out there about how to define personal boundaries, meaning what are they really? Wikipedia describes personal boundaries as “guidelines, rules or limits that a person creates to identify reasonable, safe and permissible ways for other people to behave towards them and how they will respond when someone passes those limits.” Boundaries are all about personal property lines, both physically, and emotionally.

2. You can’t identify your personal boundaries, or you may even think you don’t need them.

   One of the reasons women repeat the same unhealthy relationship patterns is because they haven’t taken time to evaluate their history and ask why they have gotten into non-productive dating and relationship patterns. Instead, they just think that the right guy hasn’t come along.
   
   And, because they have been nice, they can’t see how they are allowing men they shouldn’t come through their “gate.” They believe a particular relationship didn’t work out because a man wasn’t good to them. In reality, they are unwittingly playing a part in an unhappy love life by allowing men into their lives that they shouldn’t (I’ve been there! There’s no condemnation.) If you don’t know what your boundaries (or guidelines, rules, or limits) are, the wrong men will step over them.
   
   One of the best things you can do, if you have experienced just even one unhealthy or non-productive dating relationship is to stop and take the time to look backward at your patterns so you can identify where you need to “beef up security” around your personal “gate.”
   
   If you don’t know how to do this, I invite you to set up a time for a free Breakthrough Session with me and I’ll help you identify your dating and relationship obstacles. 

3. You don’t know how to say no.

   Many women struggle with saying no, or don’t know how to say it. This is a problem because saying no is critical to having good personal boundaries.
   Many women clam up when they should speak up. If you are a woman who relates, here are some kind—but firm—ways you can say no:
   
   “I’m sorry; that won’t work for me.”
   “No, thank you.”
   “Thanks, but no thanks.”
   “I appreciate the offer, but no.”

4. You're afraid that if you set a boundary, that he will leave.  

   This is tough when you’re worried about being abandoned or losing a special man.
   
   There is a possibility that if you set a personal boundary that a man will leave. There is a possibility that he will get peeved and decide that he doesn’t want to see you anymore. Be encouraged! This isn’t a bad thing.
   
   Your personal boundaries are a gift to yourself and your love life. They are a way to weed out the wrong men so you can get to the right men. A man who is serious about a relationship will respect your boundaries because he respects you and wants a relationship with you.

5. You think setting boundaries means you’re being unkind.

   Many women tell me that they have a hard time setting boundaries are saying no because they feel that they are being mean. The truth is that not setting boundaries and not saying no can be the most unkind thing you can do.
   
   Setting boundaries can be the best thing you can do for another person so they learn to respect themselves and others. And, when you don’t set boundaries, who are you being unkind to? You.

6. You let your emotions—or hormones—make your relational decisions for you.

   Sometimes the desire for love or a relationship can be so great, both emotionally, or physically that we justify not setting boundaries or we allow a man to move them.
   
   We may even feel we don’t really need them because we just “know” that it’s love. This time it’s different. A man has said all the things we want to hear. And, there is so much chemistry between us that we believe this is “the one.” We may even feel that we have a sign from God.
   
   But listen up friend. Allowing your emotions or hormones make your relational decisions for you when a man hasn’t yet proven his character isn’t wise. Be good to you. If you need accountability, get it from a friend, a counselor, or a coach.

7. You aren’t committed to setting boundaries because you don’t really see the importance of having them.  

   Before you can learn to set good boundaries to keep them wrong men from coming in your “gate” you need to see their value. This can happen when you review your history and identify if not having them has hurt you. 

8. You don’t have a personal dating plan.

   You may have heard me say that having a personal dating plan is critical—and it’s something that most single women don’t have. Good boundaries fit within a good, well-defined dating plan.
   
   I was the queen of not having a dating plan. I didn’t have a clue about what my dating patterns were and it hurt me. Having a dating plan from “Hi” to “Will you marry me?” can help any women set good boundaries so she can attract the right men and avoid the wrong men.
   
   I hope this has been helpful. The dream you have to love and be loved is possible!
   
   If you’d like to learn more about your dating patterns and identify the hidden blocks that are keeping you from attracting a trustworthy, marriage-minded man, you can set up a free Breakthrough Call with me. There are no strings attached. 

Here are what some women have said about the coaching they have received. I would love to encourage you too!

"Thank you, Shana, for all that you said during our coaching session. It was more than I could've hoped for and you put my mind at ease. When we finished, I felt as if a good rain had washed away gunk I hadn't even realized was there." -Tasha, Washington

"Shana, your coaching about red flags resonated so clearly with me and helped me see what is wrong and holding me back.  You’ve helped me realize how easy it is for me to get pulled in by controlling, manipulative, and disrespectful men and now I understand why I allow and tolerate such behavior."
-Carrie, Ohio

"Shana, thank you for offering real insight and advice specific to my situation that I can apply to my life.  I walked away feeling understood and encouraged."  -Beth, Mississippi

"Oh, Shana! Thank you so much for the time you spent with me in the free coaching session. It's easy for some of us to forget our worth and knowing our value is so important in how we relate with others. Thanks again for your kindness, patience, wisdom shared, and thoughtfulness during our conversation." -Georgia, Missouri

"Thank you for being a great sounding board and encouraging me to trust my intuitive nature and pay attention to red flags!" Angie, California

"Shana [you] taught me how to stick to my boundaries so I can find a quality man I can trust." -Ada, California

"Shana, you helped me to see that when I rushed into a relationship with a man that my feelings couldn’t develop. It put too much pressure on me. A few days after our coaching session, I new exactly what I needed to do." -Charlotte, Illinois

"Working with Shana as my relationship coach has given me the courage to start dating again. She has been there with me every step of the way . . .Now, I am hopeful, even on the days when I feel like giving up. Through coaching with Shana, I’ve learned to trust myself which is a precious gift. The time working with her has been worth it." Becky- Ohio

Click here to set up your free Breakthrough Session. I look forward to connecting soon!