4 Tips to Help You Have a Great Conversation with a Man

Oh, boy! First conversations on first dates, or when you meet a man in church, or in the grocery store, or at work can feel awkward. 

I get it. I experienced more than a few first awkward interactions with men as a single.

Sometimes, it was uncomfortable meeting a man for the first time. I wondered, “What should I say?  What kind of questions should I ask?” And I especially dreaded the thought of the conversation stalling out.

What I didn’t know is that there were tips I could have put into practice to have a great first conversation with a man. And, (yay!) These same tips could have taken the pressure off me so I wasn’t wondering if he was “the one” from our first interaction.

The following 4 tips will help you have a great conversation with a man—AND they will help you relax.

And (bonus!) you can practice the last two tips starting today. 

Then, you’ll be ready to have a great conversation when you meet a new man. (These tips can apply to meeting new friends, too!)

1) Remember the man you are with is a new acquaintance.

A first step to having a great conversation, is to approach the man you are with as a new acquaintance rather than someone who could be your future husband.

This will help you do two things:

First, it will take the pressure off feeling that you need to decide right away if he is right for you.

Studies show that healthy relationships that end up at the wedding altar most often develop in stages, and the first stage is not deciding if you will marry the man you are with.  It's simply to get to know your date. Keep in mind that your only job on a first date, or upon a first meeting is to have a conversation.  

Next, it will help you treat your date with respect because you’ll see him as a person, not as someone to size up. And even if it turns out that you’re not a good match, you will have practiced having a conversation. So, lay aside your expectations, and just treat the man you with as someone you are getting to know. He’s an acquaintance. 

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2) Remember that your date is not a foe.

First dates—and first interactions with men--can bring up all kinds of past relationship anxiety.  By the time you are over thirty, your journey may have included a few relational bumps and experiences that have broken your heart, and you definitely don’t want the past to repeat itself.

These negative experiences can tempt even the best woman to project her past pain—or perceptions about men—onto a new man.

But, if you want to have a good conversation, remind yourself . . . this is a new man.  And, he is not Bill, the last guy you dated, and he isn’t Steve, the guy from the internet who ghosted you.

Don’t project your bad experiences onto your new date or it will come out in your conversation, either through what you do or do not say and through the vibe you project. Don’t sabotage your love life by bringing a bad attitude with you.

Again, when you take this approach, you will honor your date as a human being, rather than someone you are sizing up.  No one wants that.  They just want to be heard and valued.  Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

3) Practice active listening.

Most people like to talk about themselves.  Feeling heard makes a person feel valued. And it’s no different with men on a date.  Everyone likes to know that they are being heard, being seen, and that they are important.  Think about how you want the man you’re with to treat you, and do the same. 

This means practicing active listening. 

Here are some tips to practice active listening:

When he is talking, don’t be thinking about the next thing that you are going to say.  Make sure you’re looking at him in the eye and that you are actually hearing what he’s saying.  This is a part of the active listening. 

When he’s finished speaking about a particular topic, ask clarifying questions to get to know him better.  Remember, you are not trying to figure out if he is “The One.” You are simply having a conversation in the same way that you would with someone you just met.

Smile when he is talking. You can also raise an eyebrow to show interest in what he is saying.  This is not to be manipulative, but to the kind and welcoming and to treat him the way you would like to be treated.  

Pay attention. Be kind.

Also, when you're practicing active listening, it will help take the pressure off so you aren't focused on yourself and how uncomfortable you might feel because you're focused on him.

4) Look for Sparks

I’m not talking about sparks in the way people normally think of them in relation to what people call “chemistry.”  But, I’m talking about Conversations Sparks.  Some of the best conversations can happen when you notice these Sparks.

You will discover Conversations Sparks as you practice active listening.  When you notice his eyes light up, or that he shares more information about a particular topic signaling his interest in that topic, you’ve just discovered a Conversation Spark. Consider it an invitation to delve deeper by asking more questions. 

When you actively listen and take cues from Conversation Sparks, it will help you keep the conversation going. 

Remember, that regardless if the man you are with is the man you will marry—or not—practicing how to have a great conversation is awesome. 

Your Dating and Relationship Coach,